Act in Spite of Your Fear
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
All of us can think of something we’d like to change about our life. What about you? Would you like to be in better shape physically, emotionally, mentally, or financially? Then what’s stopping you from making changes to improve your life? What’s holding you back?
It’s fear! Our brain is wired to keep us safe. Our tendency to always assume there is a tiger crouching in the bushes is what kept our ancestors alive. And, although today’s world is much safer, our brains are still wired the same way keeping us constantly on the alert for potential danger.
Our minds use fear to encourage us to stay safe by not taking action. Common fears include:
- Fear of failure – what if you can’t do it? What does that say about you? It’s important to recognize that failure is the only way to succeed. Each time something doesn’t work out the way you planned, you have an opportunity to learn. If your actions lead to the desired results, great! But if they don’t, figure out what you can learn from the situation in order to try something different. Either way you are moving forward.
- Fear of rejection – one of our strongest needs is the need to be accepted by others. Often when you change it impacts people close to you, so you worry about their reactions. Some may be threatened by the change or jealous of your new and improved life. When you start to worry about what other people will think, it is important to remember the saying, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
- Fear of success – it sounds strange, but sometimes what you are really afraid of is success itself. Maybe someone in your past said you weren’t good enough and you have internalized that message. So deep down you feel like you don’t deserve success. Not true! We all deserve a better life! Keep telling yourself this. Or maybe you feel guilty succeeding because you have friends, family or colleagues who haven’t been successful. Again, if they really care about you they will be happy for you. So go for it!
It can be helpful to understand what specific fears might be holding you back, but that won’t make your fear disappear. The key is to act in spite of your fear. It’s the only way to move forward and create a better life. Each small step builds momentum, which can eventually lead to huge change.
Don’t let fear hold you back. Start taking positive action today! Putting things off provides time for fear to grow stronger. Decide what steps you need to take to reach your goal and take the first step right now!
Walking for Wellness
Photo by Will Martinez
A couple of weeks ago I joined faculty, staff and students at George Mason University for the 4th Annual Happy Heart Walk. We met at noon and went on a walk around campus together. The event was a “Healthy U” initiative sponsored by Wellness by Mason to encourage people to stay fit by moving.
I go to the gym several mornings a week before spending a good part of the rest of my day sitting at my desk working on the computer. Exercising is good for my health, but the time I spend at my desk is not. Recent research shows that sitting all day is dangerous for our health. People who sit for long periods of time have lower life expectancies due to increased health risks including heart attacks and strokes. They also have larger bottoms and lower metabolisms. Personally, I could do without all of the above! And here’s the kicker: exercising doesn’t undo the negative effects of sitting for long periods!
The good news is that research also shows that we are most productive when we work in 90-minute intervals. So I’m making sure to take breaks throughout my workday to get up from my desk and move. I often take our puppy for a short walk after a 90-minute work session. It not only gives me a chance to move about, but I also use the time to practice being mindful. I focus my attention on the present moment; the changing leaves, the squirrels darting around scooping up acorns, the beautiful October sky, the puppy enjoying his walk. This helps calm my mind and I go back to work reenergized.
Walking with colleagues on your lunch break or scheduling walking meetings are great ways to move during your day. Folks at Mason can hit The Yellow Birch Trail, a walking trail around the Fairfax Campus, or they can take a spin around campus on a bike using the automated bikeshare program. Mason Walkin’ is a list of indoor trails in buildings throughout the campus where people can walk when the weather gets bad. So no excuses! Other ways to keep moving at work include taking breaks to stretch at your desk, standing when you talk on the phone, or sitting on a yoga ball.
Make sure you find ways to move throughout the day. Your health (and the size of your bottom) depends on it!
Pursue Purpose Not Passion
There is a lot of talk today about “pursuing your passion”. I just googled it and there were 4,820,000 results! I think it’s great to do what you love, but focusing on your passion is shortsighted and will not bring you sustained happiness.
True fulfillment comes not from pursuing your passion, but from pursuing a purpose. In Today We Are Rich, Tim Sanders explains that passion is self focused, whereas purpose is other focused. He tells the story of how he followed his passion for music until he realized that being a struggling musician didn’t serve his purpose of providing security for his family. Playing music made him happy in the moment, but he found greater joy when he pursued a larger purpose in life.
So how do you discover your purpose? You need to consider 3 things: what you’re good at (your strengths), what you care about (your interests) and where there is a need (an opportunity for you to make a difference). What problems do you see that you could help solve? How could you use your strengths to make a difference in something you care deeply about?
Michael Bungay Stanier defines Great Work as “work that is meaningful to you, that has an impact and makes a difference”. His book Do More Great Work includes exercises that help you do just that. They encourage you to think about what you’re good at and what matters to you, to identify where you could make an impact, to choose your Great Work project, and to take action in order to accomplish your project.
Knowing that you are making a difference, that the work you do matters, is what will keep you engaged and happy over the long run. It will give you the motivation to get out of bed every morning. So don’t pursue your passion. You can do so much more! Pursue your purpose and you will find real joy.
And once you have identified your Great Work project, pursue it passionately!
I’m reading Heidi Grant Halvorson’s book Succeed and it is full of fascinating research about setting and reaching goals. One of the things I’ve found most interesting so far is that how we think about our goals can determine our likelihood of achieving them.
There are two different ways we can think about a goal, either in concrete terms regarding “what” we are doing or in more abstract terms focusing on “why” we are doing it. One way of thinking about a goal isn’t better than the other; it depends on the situation.
Thinking about the why of what you are doing is very motivational. So if you need a lot of self-control to refrain from ordering a blizzard for yourself when you take the kids to Dairy Queen for a treat, then thinking about how great you feel when you eat healthy foods and can fit into your skinny jeans will help you stick to your diet.
What thinking is much more helpful when you are trying to do something difficult or unfamiliar. My son will be getting his driver’s permit soon. OMG! That thought freaks me out a bit! Anyway, when he is learning to drive he will be much better off thinking very concretely about what he is doing; look in the rearview mirror, put the car into reverse, gently push the accelerator, keep the car on the road, etc. Let’s face it; he doesn’t need motivation to want to learn to drive! But he will need to focus on the specific actions involved in driving a car if he is going to be successful.
So take a minute to think about your goals. If there is something you have been trying to achieve, but you just can’t seem to find the motivation, spend some time thinking about why you want to accomplish that goal. How will your life improve if you achieve it? Write that down and refer to it when you feel your motivation is lacking. If, on the other hand, you are trying to learn something new or do something that is especially difficult for you, think about the first step you need to take in order to move toward that goal. Each time you think about your goal focus on the next specific action you should perform.
So no more excuses for not achieving your goals. Here’s to success!
The Power of Positive Reinforcement
Our new puppy is giving me lots of opportunities to practice positive reinforcement. And believe me it is quite challenging at times! As a psychologist I know that the very best way to increase desired behaviors and decrease unwanted behaviors is to reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior. Talk about easier said than done!
Rewarding good behavior requires constant attention so you notice the behavior when it occurs. I spend my day taking the puppy outside. This way he has many chances to go to the bathroom in the right place so I can reward him. And I have to watch him closely the whole time we are outside. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to determine whether a Maltese puppy has actually peed or not!
Ignoring the bad behavior takes a lot of patience. I know I shouldn’t go to the puppy when he cries because it will only reinforce the behavior. This isn’t easy, but it does start to work pretty quickly. The hardest part for me is when I take him outside to go to the bathroom 4 times in a row and he does nothing, then he proceeds to pee at my feet as soon as I bring him inside. Really?! How am I supposed to just ignore that?! But I am trying. Any attention given to a puppy, good or bad, is attention nonetheless and he loves it.
Positive reinforcement is very effective for people as well as for puppies. But most of us don’t use it as much as we should with our kids, spouses or employees. I know I’m more likely to get mad at my kids when they do something wrong than I am to reward them when they are being good. Let’s face it, we all have a negativity bias. A spilled glass of milk catches our attention a lot faster than kids who are quietly playing with their toys. And we are more likely to mention a missed deadline to an employee than to thank them for a well-written report.
So why not try using positive reinforcement with the people around you this week? Pay attention so that you notice and can express your appreciation for the good things they do. And try to refrain from nagging about their negative behavior. It won’t be easy, but it does work. Positive reinforcement is a great way to encourage the behaviors you want in puppies and in people.
How you Frame Things Matters
Most of you have probably seen this picture of U.S. gymnast McKayla Maroney after winning a silver medal in the vault competition at the 2012 Olympics in London. She doesn’t look very happy, does she?
Her emotions were probably due to counterfactual thinking. This is when our brain creates an alternate scenario to help us evaluate and make sense of what really happened. Comparing the actual outcome of an event to what might have happened can determine how we feel about the event, whether we see it as fortunate or unfortunate.
In his book, The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor gives a good example of counterfactual thinking. Imagine you are in a bank when a robber walks in. You are the only person injured in the incident, shot in the arm. Depending on how you frame what happened you will either feel extremely fortunate that you were only shot in the arm or terribly unlucky to have been in the bank at the time and to have be the only person wounded.
So back to the Olympics. The counterfactual thought for most silver medalists is likely that they almost won the gold, whereas the counterfactual thought for most bronze medalist is that they almost didn’t win a medal at all. This explains why bronze medalists, who are objectively worse off than silver medalists, often appear happier.
According to research bronze medal winners are happier than silver medal winners. After watching videos of the medal ceremonies and the faces of athletes right after they announced the winners at the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona, people were asked to rate the happiness of the athletes on a 1-to-10 scale with 1 being “agony” and 10 being “ecstasy”. Silver medalists scored 4.8 on the happiness scale after the announcement of the winner and 4.3 at the medal ceremony. Bronze medalists scored 7.1 and 5.7, respectively. According to both differences bronze medalists were significantly happier than silver medalists.
It is up to you to choose your counterfactual thoughts. Frame what happens in your life in a way that will keep you positive. There is always a bright side!
Don’t Dwell on the Past
In my last blog I talked about how focusing too much on the future can make us unhappy because it often leads to anxiety. Another source of unhappiness comes from spending too much time dwelling on the past.
Thinking about the things that didn’t work out well in our past creates negative emotions in the present. It can also cause us to feel helpless, which prevents us from taking steps to change things for the better. We think, “Why try? It won’t make a difference.” We don’t attempt to do something because a past failure makes us feel like we won’t succeed. Or we don’t try to get something we desire because we feel like we don’t deserve it due to something bad we did in the past. Regret, blame, anger, guilt, and excuses keep us stuck.
Don’t let ruminating over things from your past keep you from being happy today. And don’t let your past shape your future. The past is over and done with.
As you go through your day, try to notice when you have checked out and are diving into your past. When that happens gently bring yourself back to the present. Pay attention to what is going on here and now. Don’t focus on why something turned out the way it did. You can’t change the past. The present is all you have. Use your energy to create new positive outcomes.
A song that they have been playing on the radio lately by Calvin Harris and Ne-Yo puts it well:
“Let’s go! Make no excuses now , I’m talking here and now . . . It’s not about what you’ve done, it’s about what you doing. It’s all about where you going, no matter where you’ve been. Let’s go!”
Avoid Anxiety by Staying in the Now
I have never seen the link between mindfulness and happiness as clearly as I have this summer. In May we sold our house, packed up our belongings, and sent them from Arizona to our soon-to-be new home in Northern Virginia. Then we left for what I thought would be a fun-filled summer visiting family and traveling with friends. It has been great, but we haven’t been able to enjoy it as much as I had hoped because we are all so anxious about our move.
Will we love our new house as much as we loved our home in Arizona? Will the kids like their new schools? Will we find new friends who we enjoy as much as our old ones?
Of course it is normal to be worried about the future when everything is so new and uncertain. But what I find interesting is that when we moved from Spain to the States 8 years ago the kids showed absolutely no signs of anxiety, even though it was a much bigger move. It took 3 months for our belongings to cross the ocean and we were moving to another country with a different language and culture. But at 5 and 7 years old our children weren’t worried about the future. They swam, ate their ice cream and played games all summer without a care in the world. At that time they were still blessed with the gift children have of living in the present in the moment. And what a fantastic source of happiness that is!
In her book, Soul-Centered, Sarah McLean discusses how children live in the here and now, but as they grow we teach them to focus more on the future. When children see presents under the tree they want to open them now, not count down the days until Christmas. They would rather see how tall they can make their Lego tower than think about what they want to be when they grow up.
Yes, planning is a good thing, but happiness comes from enjoying the present moment and not constantly worrying about the future. I am trying to practice mindfulness this summer, to focus on the wonderful experiences we are having. But like my teenagers, I can’t always stop my mind from wandering into the future and feeling anxious about everything that we will face as we transition into our new lives.
Don’t Fantasize, Visualize!
Visualization can be an effective way to help us achieve our goals. It lets us “rehearse” desired outcomes by imagining the future the way we want it to be. Sports psychologists train top athletes to use visualization in order to achieve optimal performance. Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx, is a big believer in visualizing your goals. She imagined herself being on Oprah 15 years before it happened. She saw herself sitting on the couch having an exciting conversation with Oprah. She just didn’t know what the conversation was going to be about!
Visualization helps your subconscious mind figure out ways to create the future you want. It generates positive thoughts that crowd out negative self-talk. And when you visualize achieving your goals you experience positive emotions, which will make success more likely.
When you believe something is possible it motivates you to work toward your desired future. But you do have to take action! Visualization works when you use it to contrast future goals with your current situation. The discrepancy between where you are now and where you want to be serves as an incentive for action.
Fantasizing about what you want isn’t the same. When you focus solely on a positive future, but don’t contrast that future with where you are now it won’t motivate you to change. Motivation comes from focusing on the discrepancy and what needs to happen to make the desired changes.
Fantasizing is like visualizing without taking action. You can spend your time daydreaming about something you want, but if it doesn’t motivate you to do something it won’t be effective. Visualizing is believing something will happen, whereas fantasizing is dreaming about something you lack that you don’t believe you will ever achieve. It can lead you to dwell on what you don’t have, rather than motivate you to work to achieve it.
If you want some help realizing your goals, try taking 5 minutes a day to imagine your ideal future in detail. See it in your mind’s eye as if it already exists. Then get to work making it happen!
Embrace Simplicity
One of Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s many lessons in her book Gift from the Sea is the value of simplicity. She describes a channeled whelk shell as simple, bare and beautiful and wishes for an equally simple life. Yet she recognizes that being a wife and mother of five doesn’t allow her to carry a simple shell like a hermit crab.
Spending time at her beach house does let Anne practice for a few weeks the simplification of life. Her first insight comes with regard to clothes. She notes that, “one does not need a closet-full, only a small suite-case full.”
Having moved everything from our entire house into storage for two months I can definitely relate to this! We are living out of suite-cases this summer while visiting family before moving into our new home. And we are perfectly happy without all of our stuff (although I will admit to panicking when they lost our luggage for a day). There are some things I wouldn’t want to part with permanently, like family pictures and the furniture we will need to live comfortably in our new home, but we really don’t need the rest!
Like Anne, I love the idea of a simplified life, but also realize it is an unrealistic goal at this point in my life. I can’t just blow off the orthodontist appointments, trips to the grocery store, after-school activities, laundry, meal preparations, or bills.
But I can try my best to minimize the amount of things we have. I used our move as an excuse to get rid of as much unnecessary stuff as possible. What a fantastic feeling! I’ve blogged before about getting rid of clutter, and I think it is one of the best ways for me to create more simplicity in my life. Material possessions don’t increase our happiness, they just separate us from the peace found in simplicity, making it harder to “remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life.”
What about you? I’m not suggesting we try to be like Dave Bruno and live with 100 things or less, but I bet we could all find ways to increase our happiness by living more simply.
