Stop Trying to Be Happy
We are obsessed with being happy. I just googled “how to be happy” and got 613,000,000 results. I admit that I share plenty of articles about happiness on social media and I’ve written a book about it. I’m all for being happy, but the problem is that people who set a goal to be happy are actually less happy.
Bad things happen and when they do you won’t be happy. That’s OK. It is important to experience a wide range of emotions. Negative emotions are necessary and healthy. When things aren’t going your way you should feel sad or anxious or angry. But if your goal is to be happy, then you often feel even worse when you have a bad day because you are failing to achieve your goal.
The way to be happy is to do things that increase your positive emotions. Focusing on specific activities that make you happy is a lot better than focusing on achieving happiness itself. Your goal should be to have as many positive experiences as you can.
Below are some things you can do to increase your positive emotions. Pick a few of these and make them, not happiness, your goal.
- Keep a gratitude journal where you write down things for which you are thankful.
- Choose something meaningful that you’d like to accomplish and schedule time on your calendar to work on it.
- Volunteer to do something that makes a positive difference in someone’s life.
- Make time to exercise each day.
- Plan a trip to visit family or friends.
- Sign up for a class to learn something new, like knitting or fly fishing or photography.
- Get enough sleep.
Don’t obsess over whether or not you are happy. Trying to be happy can make you unhappy. Instead, behave in ways that promote positive emotions and happiness will come.
How You Think About Stress Matters
There is a lot of research showing how bad stress can be for our health. And it can be! But it doesn’t have to be.
In her book, The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal explains that there are different responses to stress and they aren’t all bad. A threat response, better known as a fight-or-flight response, prepares you for self-defense, constricting your blood vessels, ramping up inflammation, and getting immune cells ready to help you heal. This response is useful in a dangerous situation, but on a sustained basis it can hurt your cardiovascular health.
Another type of response to stress is the challenge response. In this case your body responds like it does to physical exercise, maximizing blood flow to give you more energy. The challenge response helps you perform better, increasing your confidence and concentration. Hormones are released that improve learning and memory, enhance empathy and intuition, and protect your heart.
If you view a situation as less threatening, you are more likely to have a challenge response than a threat response. So the way you think about stress can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Choosing to view stress as something positive that can help you to perform better activates a challenge response, thus making your stress beneficial. Trying to avoid stress because you believe it is bad causes you to have a threat response, which, in most cases, isn’t helpful.
So try not to think of stress as something to be avoided. Think of it as a necessary part of a meaningful life. Stress occurs when you are concerned about something that really matters to you. The things in life that give you meaning also cause stress.
The belief that stress is bad makes stress harmful. Change your view of stress to see how it can help you be smarter, stronger, and more successful and it will do just that. So repeat after me: Stress isn’t harmful, stress is helpful! OK, one more time!
Where is the Progress?
Most women quit their careers for one of two reasons: 1) the workplace doesn’t offer the flexibility or support they need to fulfill their many responsibilities and/or 2) they are frustrated by the discrimination they still face. Despite a continued call for change, progress is not being made. Two recent surveys find that things aren’t getting any better. And when it comes to flexibility things are getting worse.
According to the latest Gallup poll, 12% of women feel they have been passed over for a promotion because of their gender and 17% believe they have been denied a raise because of their gender. Only 20% of women are completely satisfied with their pay versus 44% of men.
Last week Moms Corps published the results of its latest survey on workplace flexibility. Among the findings are that fewer people, 67% versus 75% in 2013, report having at least a little bit of flexibility at work. Sixty-four percent, versus 68% in 2013, believe their company would accommodate them if they asked for flexibility. Yet they aren’t likely to ask because almost half (47%) of the men and women surveyed feel that asking for flexibility would hurt their chances at career advancement. So work is becoming less flexible, while 75% of the people surveyed think flexibility is one of the most important factors to consider when choosing a job and 47% are willing to give up some of their salary for more flexibility.
Some companies are moving in the right direction. Netflix and Facebook have parental leave policies for men and women, which may help to reduce discrimination. Other companies are embracing flexibility. MITRE Corporation employees can adjust their hours around their children’s schedules. More than 15% of Agilent Technologies employees have non-traditional arrangements like part-time, telecommuting, and job sharing. But referring to these arrangements as non-traditional shows that they are exceptions rather than a new way of working.
We’ve been talking about the need for change for years, yet women continue to experience discrimination at work and neither men nor women have the flexibility they want and in many cases need.
There is progress still to be made; work still to be done!
Trying to fulfill professional, family, and personal responsibilities is a constant struggle for everyone. A Google search of work-life balance shows almost 200 million results. Juggling competing demands is especially hard for women. Today, women still have primary household and caregiving responsibilities, while most workplaces remain inflexible, with limited family policies and unrealistic expectations of 24/7 availability.
A failure to achieve work-life balance causes many people to experience high levels of stress. Chronic stress can lead to headaches, gastrointestinal and cardiovascular problems, diabetes, hormonal imbalances, and a weaker immune system. Stress also causes women to make decisions that have long-term consequences for their careers. In their failed struggle to find balance, many women feel their only option is to quit their jobs. Studies have found that almost half of women stop working at some point. Many later regret having walked away from a meaningful career.
The pursuit of work-life balance is an impossible goal. You might feel like you’ve achieved balance one day, but it won’t last. Work will continue to interfere with life, and life will interfere with work. A last-minute deadline might prevent you from getting to your daughter’s soccer match. You may miss an important meeting because you need to take your father to the doctor. If balance is your goal, you will surely fail.
A better goal is to improve your well-being. . . Continue reading here
Accepting Change
Our son leaves tomorrow, off to Georgia Tech to start his freshman year of college. I’m having a much harder time with this than I imagined I would. There were many times when I thought this moment would never arrive. Now it has and I realize just how much I’m going to miss him.
What a bittersweet moment. I am happy, proud, and excited. This is a wonderful time in Alex’s life. I remember what a fantastic experience going off to college was for me. But I am also feeling an overwhelming amount of sadness.
A few weeks ago our daughter looked at our dog and said, “Wow, he has no idea what’s about to happen. We are all preparing ourselves for Alex being gone and the poor dog has no idea.” She’s right, but then I don’t think there is any way to prepare myself to walk past Alex’s empty room or face his empty chair at the dinner table. It’s going to be so hard!
And yet this is what we have been preparing him for since he was born. I’m not worried about Alex being on his own. We have done our job; we’ve given him roots and wings. I know he is ready. I’m the one who isn’t ready. Who was supposed to prepare me?
Change is hard. But fighting it makes it even harder. Suffering comes from not accepting change. How we respond to change makes all the difference. Change can be good. It can bring about new opportunities. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier.
One of the best strategies for dealing with change is to seek out social support. My sweet husband knows how hard tomorrow is going to be for us both. He has planned a day full of fun activities to keep us occupied. My friends have promised to take me out for a glass of wine when I call.
Alex, I am so very happy for you! This is your moment! I know you are going to shine! And don’t worry about me, I will be just fine.
Buying Happiness
My parents-in-law celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this year by taking their sons, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren on a cruise in the Baltic Sea. They used their money to buy happiness. Research shows that spending money on experiences with other people is the best way to use money to increase your happiness.
Spending money on material things gives you a very short-lived happiness boost. Experiences, on the other hand, contribute three-fold to your happiness. The anticipation associated with planning and looking forward to the trip makes you happy. You enjoy the experience itself, and then you have fond memories for years to come each time you reflect on it.
Generosity makes us happy. I know my parents-in-law loved watching everyone in their family enjoy their extremely generous gift. Nurturing relationships increases both our joy and our sense of meaning in life. The vacation allowed us to spend a lot of time together, which is rare given that some of us live in the United States, others in Colombia, and the rest in Spain. We had great fun and learned a lot while visiting different countries. There are many stories that we will relive together at future family gatherings.
You don’t have to go on a cruise to buy happiness. Any experience, a weekend away, a dinner, a concert, a ballgame, that brings you together with friends or loved ones and gives you something to look forward to and to remember will do the trick. Make sure to involve everyone in the planning, so they can benefit from the happiness boost of anticipating the event, as well.
What about you? How will you use your money to buy happiness?
Careful Not to Overplay Your Strengths
Knowing and using your strengths is a great strategy for increasing your happiness and success. But it’s important to find the “golden mean” of your strengths by using the right strength in the right amount in the right situation.
There is a “shadow side” to every strength. People with the strength of intellect can seem aloof and people with the strength of analytical can fall prey to paralysis by analysis.
Here are some examples of how I have to be careful not to overplay my strengths. Harmony is my top strength. I really dislike conflict. Because of this, I try to avoid situations where conflict might arise and I don’t always stick up for myself. At times I have to push myself to face conflict, despite how uncomfortable it makes me feel.
Another of my strengths is Maximizer. Maximizers seek excellence. The downside of Maximizer is wanting things to be perfect. I spend way too much time on just about everything. I have to work to recognize when something is good enough for me to move on. (I just rewrote this last sentence 10 times!)
Discipline is also one of my top strengths. It helps me to get things done, but I can be too rigid in sticking to my schedule. My husband and kids are good at encouraging me not to overplay this strength and to be more spontaneous. I have to remind myself that the work will wait and nurturing relationships is more important than following my plan. I can finish my blog after we get ice cream at Woody’s.
People who have Woo as a strength love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. That’s me! I am totally energized by going to a big party and talking to lots of different people. But I have to be careful not to appear superficial as I move from one conversation to the next. And I have to control my tendency to interrupt people. If someone mentions something we have in common, I want to jump right in and point it out as a way of connecting.
My final top 5 strength is Learner. The biggest problem with overplaying this strength is that it hurts my productivity. Spending too much time learning can keep me from doing.
What about you? Can you think of ways you need to be careful not to overplay your strengths?
Are You Fully Charged?
I recently read Are You Fully Charged?, the latest book by well-being expert Tom Rath. I highly recommend adding it to your summer reading list! Tom has written six best-selling books related to different aspects of well-being, and this book is the perfect summary of what he has concluded matters most.
First of all, he believes that our well-being depends on small, daily actions. The choices we make moment to moment add up to important long-term outcomes. Second, there are three elements that play a critical role in helping us feel fully charged: meaning, interactions, and energy.
Pursuing meaning, rather than happiness, makes life worthwhile. You can create meaning in your life by looking for ways to make a difference in the world. How can you make a small, positive impact in the lives of your family members, friends, or colleagues? How does the work you do serve a purpose? How are you using your talents and experience to serve the needs of others?
Our relationships are based on a series of interactions. When these exchanges are positive, they boost our well-being. Choose to focus your conversations on what’s going right. Invest time in building close relationships. Spend your money on meaningful experiences with others. Help others succeed.
Finally, “put your health and energy ahead of all else”. You will only be able to make a difference in the lives of others and invest in relationships if you take care of yourself first. Making healthy choices is easier if you think about the short-term benefits. How will you feel after you eat that? Remind yourself that going to the gym this morning will boost your mood, your energy, and your productivity for the rest of the day. The same is true for getting enough sleep.
Rath has a talent for making cutting edge research accessible to everyone, thanks to his easy to read, easy to understand style. Are You Fully Charged? is full of tips for improving your well-being.
Want to energize your work and life? Get your copy now!
Writing a Book is Scary!
I remember listening to an author speak several years ago, telling the audience that you shouldn’t write a book because you want to write a book. You should write a book because you have something to say. Well, I had something to say. As I learned about positive psychology through my research, I tried out some of the practices and my well-being started to improve. I was happier and less stressed than I had been in years. I felt a greater sense of meaning and direction in my life.
I eagerly shared what I was learning with my friends, but I wanted more people to know about the simple, yet powerful ways we can transform our lives for the better. The best way to do that would be to write a book.
But I was nervous. I didn’t want to be judged. What if people didn’t like what I had to say? What if they thought I wasn’t a good writer? I decided to test the waters by writing a blog. That was pretty safe because very few people read it in the beginning.
Then some readers started telling me that my blog had helped them. I felt like I was making a difference by sharing what I was learning. That’s when I realized that my desire to help others was stronger than my desire to protect my ego.
Writing makes you vulnerable. Putting yourself out there to be judged when you fear you aren’t good enough is scary! But I decided that as long as my writing helps one other person, then it is worth it. In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown says that when we try to keep ourselves from feeling vulnerable, we miss out on experiences that can bring meaning to our lives.
So I did it! I’ve written my first book, Beyond Happy: Women, Work, and Well-Being. It feels really good to be living my truth, doing what I can to help others find joy and meaning in their lives.
What about you? How is avoiding vulnerability keeping you from doing something meaningful?
