What Story Are You Making Up?
Brené Brown has written another great book. Rising Strong provides a 3-step process to help us rise from our falls:
- The Reckoning is about recognizing your emotions and getting curious about the story behind your feelings.
- The Rumble is getting honest about the story you’ve made up and figuring out what needs to change.
- The Revolution is writing a new, more courageous ending that transforms your thoughts and beliefs.
I especially like Brené’s advice regarding The Rumble. She explains how our brains build stories in order to give meaning to our experiences. If a story is incomplete, our brain will fill in the missing information, often making things up that we believe to be true. Our stories can be painful if we describe who we are and how others see us in ways that undermine our value and worth.
One suggestion for rumbling with our stories is to use “the story I’m making up” strategy. We can do this in our head or out loud in a situation that is causing us to feel hurt. Brené gives an example of a meeting she had with her team. The meeting was running long, so she suggested they move one of the items from the middle of the agenda to the end. A team member spoke up to say that the story he was making up was that the item, on which he was spending 70% of his time, was no longer a priority. This gave Brené the chance to explain that the issue was so important she didn’t want to rush through it. She planned to schedule another meeting to give it the time it deserved.
Using “the story I’m making up” is helpful because it starts an inner dialogue, giving you a chance to evaluate what you’re thinking and feeling. This reality check may be enough for you to realize what you are telling yourself isn’t true. It is also a constructive way to start a conversation. Being vulnerable enough to share your feelings lets you speak honestly without putting someone else on the defensive. It gives them the opportunity to fill in the missing information, like Brené did for her team member.
The next time you are feeling hurt, get curious about the story behind your emotions, notice which parts of the story you might be making up, and choose to write a new, more empowering ending.
A Simple Trick to Control Your Emotions
Have you ever said or done something you regretted because you were emotionally triggered? Haven’t we all? When something upsets us, making us angry or scared, our brain detects it as a threat. When we feel threatened, the part of our brain that controls our emotions, the amygdala, takes over. When the amygdala is activated, the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain in charge of executive functioning, like decision making, is inhibited. That’s why we react without thinking when we are emotionally triggered.
The good news is that there is an amazingly simple, yet effective technique for controlling your emotional reactions. It’s called “affect labeling”. All you have to do is name or label the emotion you are experiencing. Saying “I’m angry” or “I’m scared” is a cognitive process, so it activates your prefrontal cortex. This puts your thinking brain back in charge, so you can choose a better response.
Research using fMRI machines to measure brain activity shows this. When people are asked to label an emotion this reduces amygdala activity, while increasing activation of the prefrontal cortex. Researchers also found that this effect is stronger for people who practice mindfulness meditation. Meditation appears to lower amygdala activation and being mindful helps you to notice and name your emotions.
The next time someone at work makes you mad or one of your children does something that scares you, try to name what you are feeling before doing anything else. It takes just a second to say it or think it and that will immediately reduce your emotional arousal and put your thinking brain back in the driver’s seat. Let me know how it goes!
And for a fun way to learn more about your emotions check out the movie “Inside Out”!
This week I taught a class on goal getting for greater well-being to the students who live in George Mason’s Mindful Living Residence. I told them about a number of things that increase the likelihood of achieving our goals, like visualization, breaking your goal into smaller steps, taking action, anticipating obstacles, rewarding yourself for progress, and telling someone about your goal so he or she can support you and hold you accountable.
Afterwards, the students identified a well-being goal and created a plan based on the elements we had discussed. We ended the class talking about how being mindful could help the students stick to their plan. One of the students mentioned that she would use mindfulness to remember to be kind to herself if she slipped up. That’s when I realized I had left out one of the most important elements of goal getting: self-compassion.
Pursuing a goal is a lot like training your attention. We often practice mindfulness meditation by focusing our attention on our breath. When we notice that our thoughts have wandered we gently bring our focus back to our breath. The key is not to beat yourself up because your mind was wandering. That’s OK. It happens to everyone. Just refocus and be kind to yourself.
It is equally important to have self-compassion when pursuing a goal. You will have bad days. You won’t make it to the gym or you’ll eat a piece of cake. That’s OK. It happens to everyone. Don’t get mad at yourself. Just start over. The same way you bring your attention back to your breath.
People who are kind to themselves when they slip up are more likely to keep going. You may think being hard on yourself will improve your self-discipline, but it doesn’t. It erodes your confidence and your motivation. Self-compassion makes you more resilient. Being kind to yourself will help you stick to your goal.
When Did You Last Play?
A few days ago Winter Storm Jonas buried the Mid Atlantic and Northeast under two feet of snow. It was quite a doozy and has kept schools and businesses closed around the Washington D.C. area for days. Obviously, this has caused a lot of problems. But I’d like to take a minute to focus on all of the fun people have been having.
Snow days are such a great excuse to play! Something about the snow just makes you want to slide down a hill, build a snowman, or ping someone with a snowball. I have done my share of shoveling, but I also found time to play in the snow. We even kept the fun going when the sun went down playing board games by the fire.
Snow seems to bring out the kid in us all. But wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have to wait for a snow day to play? Play is really important for children. It helps them learn social skills, practice problem solving, and develop their imaginations. Children who play more are healthier and happier. But play is good for adults, too. It’s a great way to relieve stress and it helps us learn new things, be more creative, and experience more positive emotions. Play is good for everyone’s well-being.
So don’t wait for the next winter storm to play. Start playing more right now. Schedule playdates with your friends to take a painting class, sing karaoke, or learn to belly dance. Bounce on the trampoline or slide down the slide at the playground with your kids. Play legos with them like my friend Kristin does. Schedule family game nights to play Sequence or Bananagrams. Go paddleboarding or country line dancing with your partner. Play ping-pong. Find things that you enjoy and spend more time doing them. Playing helps you live your best life.
P.S. Of all the snow pictures and videos I’ve seen this past week, this one of Tian Tian was my favorite!
Saban & Swinney Know What Matters Most
Tonight is the big game! Alabama and Clemson play in the college football national championship. Their coaches, Nick Saban and Dabo Swinney, were interviewed together on ESPN. In just five minutes it was clear that they both have a pretty good idea of what matters most in life:
Learn & grow
Nick Saban said, “I’m always trying to learn more from younger people in our profession who do things a different way. We’re trying to learn all the time and grow.”
Don’t look back
When the interviewer mentioned the scoreboard, Saban responded, “We never want them to look at the scoreboard. The scoreboard is the definition of the history of what happened, even during a game. It has nothing to do with what’s going to happen in the future, on the next play or in the next year of your life.”
Make a positive impact
Dabo Swinney said, “I believe that if we teach these guys the right things, if we instill the right values, if we are truly developing men then we are going to win.” Saban agreed. When asked what makes him happy he said, “Seeing young people having a chance to be more successful because they were involved in the program. Those guys changing and evolving from the time they came to when they left. There are things more important in life than a game. We are trying to develop people to be successful.”
Relationships
Saban mentioned that both he and Swinney “share the importance of relationship, family . . . the older you get the more important some of those things become to you relative to winning games or being some kind of really good coach.”
Clearly Saban and Swinney are both really good coaches who have built and inspired winning teams. Knowing what matters most has surely helped them to make it this far. We’ll find out soon who the winner of this year’s title is. And since I’m from Alabama I’ll close with a “Roll Tide Roll”!
Piece by Piece
Have you set any big goals for 2016? Over the holidays our family has been working on a 1500 piece puzzle. Looking at the pieces as we dumped them out of the box was daunting. We got started by turning all of the pieces over. Then we looked for the edges and put them to one side. Next I picked a small section with very distinct images and focused in on those pieces. We still have a long way to go, but we are making progress!
Often the biggest challenge we face when trying to achieve any difficult goal is just getting started. Taking action is critical. It gives you a feeling of control and a sense that you are making progress, however small it might be. Little actions that move you forward build confidence. Each small step creates momentum and brings you closer to your goal.
In The Martian, astronaut Mark Watney describes his experience saying, “You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem and you solve the next one, and then the next. And if you solve enough problems, you get to go home.”
Author Anne Lamott gives similar advice about writing. She suggests writing shitty first drafts because the pressure to write something really good can keep you from starting. The key is to start somewhere. She tells a story of her brother. He was ten years old and had to write a report on birds that was due the next day. Her father’s advice was, “Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”
So whether it’s piece by piece, problem by problem, or bird by bird, tackle your new year’s goal one step at a time. And why wait until the new year? Think of one small thing you could do right now that will move you a little closer to your goal. Take that first step now!
Are You an Impostor?
In a recent interview Adele was asked what she thought about her album “21” being ranked by Billboard Magazine the top album of all time. She said she was beyond grateful, but thought it was ridiculous. “I feel like I should be number 50 or something. I’m just waiting for people to turn up tomorrow night and start throwing rotten fruit at me.”
So Adele has it, too! Impostor syndrome is the tendency to underestimate your value. While anyone can have it, it affects more women than men. When we are praised for our success, instead of accepting it or even relishing it for a moment, we start thinking we are unworthy of the praise. We worry that people will eventually discover we are impostors who lack the abilities for which we are being recognized. They might even throw rotten fruit at us!
Comedian Tina Fey says she thinks, “I’m a fraud! Oh god, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!” Meryl Streep, who has been nominated for more Academy Awards and Golden Globes than any other actor in history, has said, “You think ‘why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?’”
If Tina Fey, Meryl Streep, and Adele, whose latest album “25” had a record 3.38 million-selling debut week, experience impostor syndrome, I’m guessing some of you might, too. So what can you do?
- The first step is to recognize you have it and that you are not alone. Say, “I have impostor syndrome, just like Adele.” Remind yourself that we all tend to underestimate our own worth and to overestimate the success of others.
- Don’t compare yourself to others. Social comparison is guaranteed to make you feel insecure. You are uniquely you. Don’t try to live someone else’s life. Embrace your uniqueness!
- Write down your successes in a victory log. Include professional accomplishments, as well as life goals that you are proud of having achieved. When people say nice things about you write that down, too. Keep your victory log handy so you can read it whenever you start doubting yourself.
- Remember that failing at something doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. Everyone fails! If you don’t fail from time to time you aren’t trying to make a meaningful difference.
- Try faking it. Act like you are confident despite your insecurity. The only way to grow is to challenge yourself and that requires doing things that are outside of your comfort zone. It is easy to feel like an impostor when you are trying something new or tackling a stretch assignment. But that’s the only way to learn and grow. So raise your hand and volunteer for that project that scares you. If Adele can do it, you can, too!
I recently attended a conference on mindfulness and well-being at work at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. I learned so much from some of the world’s top neuroscientists and from the leaders of companies including Ford Motor Company, SAP, Carlsberg, Aetna, and Pixar that have introduced mindfulness programs into their workplaces.
Dr. Richard Davidson gave a talk entitled “Well-Being is a Skill”. He explained how his research shows that the neural circuits in our brain associated with well-being can be strengthened through practice. Well-being can be learned just like we learn to play the piano.
Mindfulness, a component of well-being, was described as learning useful mental skills that build capacity for focus, clarity, collaboration, creativity, resilience, emotional intelligence, and compassion. Two of the key mental skills that we build through mindfulness are 1) focused attention and 2) skillful responding.
Focused Attention
Our brain’s default mode is that of a wandering mind. A recent Harvard study found that people’s minds wander 47% of the time and that when our minds are wandering we are less happy. A wandering mind is associated with rumination, distraction, and anxiety. Practicing mindfulness changes the default mode to one of direct attention where the mind is alert, open, and happy.
Skillful Responding
Another default mode is that we tend to react to situations based on our emotions. Mindfulness builds the ability to respond skillfully instead. Focusing on the present moment increases awareness of our emotions, which allows us to pause, notice the emotion, and choose how best to respond. Mindfulness moves us from compulsion to choice. Rather than hopping on the train as we are swept away by our emotions, we can stay on the platform and watch them pass by.
The mental skills that mindfulness builds help you to perform optimally. How would enhanced attention improve your results? How confident would you be if you knew you could stay in control during difficult conversations?
Want to practice mindfulness? Try meditating for 5 to 10 minutes each day. That’s all it takes to rewire your brain. Throughout the day take mindful pauses: stop what you are doing, take a few deep breaths, and observe your thoughts and feelings. Notice when your mind is wandering and gently bring it back to the present moment.
What Do You Believe?
Last week I had the privilege of moderating a Veritas Forum discussion on well-being between Dr. Todd Kashdan, professor of psychology and senior scientist at Mason’s Center for the Advancement of Well-Being, and Dr. Warren Kinghorn, professor of psychiatry and of pastoral and moral theology at Duke University.
In addition to sharing their views on what contributes to well-being and what barriers prevent us from experiencing greater well-being, the topic of worldviews came up. I have to say I haven’t spent a lot of time contemplating my own worldview. I looked up the definition and found this: “the fundamental cognitive, affective, and evaluative presuppositions people make about the nature of things, and which they use to order their lives.” It’s the way we interpret the world, which influences how we interact with it.
This week we started a Meditation Challenge at Mason as part of our well-being university initiative. The focus is on becoming what you believe. So what is my worldview? What do I believe? It matters, because what you believe about yourself and others influences your thoughts and behavior. If you believe you are capable of doing something, you are more likely to try to do it and to persist in the face of setbacks. If you believe people are good, you will treat them with kindness and respect and they will more likely be good to you in return. Your beliefs impact your experiences. They can empower you or hold you back.
You can only change what you are aware of, so you need to know what your beliefs are in order to choose those that are empowering. How do you feel about yourself, about others, about the world around you? Believe that you are beautiful, that you are strong, that you are worthy of love. And believe that others are, too. Believe that we are all called to make a positive difference in this world; that we are part of something bigger than ourselves and that joy and meaning come from serving such bigger-than-self goals.
You are what you believe. Choose to be great!
