One Easy Step to Stress Less
I don’t know about you, but May is an especially hectic month around our house. I feel completely overwhelmed by all the end-of-year activities. So many things are swirling around in my head that I don’t know where to start taking action.
I have to buy plates and napkins for the girls’ tennis team party and burgers for the boys’ tennis team dinner that we are hosting. A birthday present for my daughter’s friend and a dress for her to wear to her brother’s graduation. Oh, and graduation presents for my son and his friends! Any suggestions? I have to remember to pay for our summer beach rental. When was that due? I need to call the plumber to fix the toilet upstairs that won’t stop running. I can’t forget to send the Mother’s Day cards today! Or to make the cookies for Teacher Appreciation Day. The Virginia State Safety Inspection for my car has to be done this month. There’s more, but I’ll spare you.
My poor brain has limited cognitive capacity. I’m afraid yours does, too. That’s why we need to write things down. It is a simple, yet powerful way to gain some control when we feel overwhelmed. Getting things out of our head and on to paper reduces stress. Things seem more manageable when you see them on a list. And you can stop worrying that you will forget to do something.
Life coach Mel Robbins says doing a brain dump is like wringing out a sponge so you can keep using it. It frees up space for you to think more clearly. Writing things down can help you focus on what is important rather than what is urgent. Once you have things on a list, you can start prioritizing. Then you can take action on the most important item, which gives you a sense of progress. A lot of our stress comes from the feeling that we aren’t getting things done. Less important things can be scheduled for later and you might realize there are some things that you don’t even have to do.
Feeling overwhelmed is stressful. Take control by writing everything down. Empty your mind so you can use it. Now pick something important from your list and take action. I promise you will feel better!
For more tips on how to stress less you can read my book: Beyond Happy: Women, Work, and Well-Being. It comes out in August!
The Secret to Achieving Your Goals
Sustained commitment is required for achieving most any goal. You can set a goal, devise a plan for getting there, and anticipate obstacles, but the most important factor for success is perseverance.
Which individuals are most likely to persist in their attempts to achieve a goal? Those who have “grit.” Grit is characterized by maintaining interest in and effort toward a long-term goal. Angela Duckworth, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania, developed a scale to measure grit. Using the scale, she found that grit predicted retention of cadets at West Point and the performance of students in a National Spelling Bee. Grit helped them stick with it despite challenges and setbacks.
Some people are naturally grittier than others, but there are things that you can do to grow your grit:
- Spend time with gritty people – social contagion means that you “catch” the behaviors of those around you. Seeing the resilience of individuals with grit can inspire you to hang in there yourself.
- Read about gritty people – role models inspire us. Learning how other people have persevered despite the odds encourages us to believe that we can, too.
- Pursue a passion or purpose – pick goals that excite you and you find meaningful. You are much more likely to stick with something about which you care deeply. Knowing you are making a positive difference will give you the energy to keep going.
- Adopt a growth mindset – believe that you can improve through your efforts. Focus on the process rather than the outcome. Embrace challenges and learn from failure.
- Ask for support – Tell others about your goal so they can help motivate you and hold you accountable. People who have social support are much more likely to stick to their resolutions.
Don’t let setbacks throw you off course. Grow your grit in order to ensure that you have the perseverance needed to achieve your goals.
Beyond Happy
My book is finished! I’m beyond happy! It hits the shelves in August 2015 (ATD Press). If you want to be notified as soon as the book is available for pre-order, send an email to beth@cabrerainsights.com with “Sign me up” in the subject line.
Curious as to what it’s about? In a nutshell, it’s about working women’s well-being. Women are less happy today than they were 40 years ago, despite the fact that they’ve made huge strides in their levels of education and workplace participation. Women earn almost 60% of undergraduate and master’s degrees and make up 59% of the college-educated, entry-level workforce.
Yet, we earn less than men. And the number of women who are executives, board directors, partners in law firms, etc. remains shockingly low, somewhere in the range of 4% to 15%. Women still face discrimination at work and at home, where we are responsible for the lion’s share of housework and child care. Twenty-eight percent of women report having a great deal of stress in their lives.
Like so many, I’ve experienced the stress of being a working mother. Trying to juggle multiple roles at once definitely hurt my well-being. I was overwhelmed! I found myself constantly complaining to my husband, my colleagues, and my friends. I yelled at our kids and then felt terribly guilty.
My experience led me to start doing research on women’s careers. I’ve written about many of the changes that are needed in our workplaces and our cultural norms. And fortunately, things are changing. But it’s taking too long! I’m tired of waiting! Aren’t you? We need to start making our own changes to increase our well-being right now.
That’s why I wrote my book. I’ve done a lot of research over the past few years to identify the factors that impact our well-being. The book presents specific strategies that we can all start using today to experience a life of greater happiness and meaning.
I’m very excited about this new adventure and I appreciate your support!
On a recent trip to Philadelphia, I visited the Barnes Foundation, which has an impressive collection of Post-Impressionist and early Modern paintings. I was awed by the wonderful paintings I saw and by the sheer number of pieces that some of the artists had painted. There are 181 paintings by Renoir, 69 by Cézanne, 59 by Matisse, and 46 by Picasso in the Barnes collection alone.
At the time, I thought I was just spending an enjoyable morning at a museum. What I didn’t realize was that I might also be improving my health. A recent study by researchers at UC Berkeley has linked positive emotions, especially awe, to lower levels of cytokines. Cytokines are proteins that help our body fight infection. But high sustained levels of cytokines cause inflammation, which increases the likelihood of developing type-2 diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, Alzheimer’s disease, and clinical depression.
So finding ways to experience more awe in your life can be good for your health. You might find a sense of wonder from the beauty of nature, or listening to music, or looking at art, or reading about or witnessing an inspiring act. Awe is the feeling of being in the presence of something that transcends your understanding of the world. It is associated with curiosity, so go out and explore this amazing world to see what you can find.
I am particularly excited about this research because there is one place where I most often experience a sense of awe: the beach. The vastness of the ocean and the mesmerizing crash of incoming waves keep me in a constant state of wonder. I am thrilled that I now have scientific evidence that trips to the beach are good for my health!
Follow Your Heart
I have had the great fortune of seeing Yo-Yo Ma play the cello. What an amazing experience! He was fantastic! But what impressed me the most was how incredibly happy he seemed. He was smiling from ear to ear and making eye contact with the other musicians as they were playing. His happiness was contagious. There is no doubt that he loves what he does!
Have you ever noticed when someone is doing something they love? I saw it again just last night watching a basketball game. One of the players made a great shot and the look on his face afterward was of pure joy.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could all do what we love? Unfortunately, we are often discouraged from following our heart. It’s true that some passions are easier to make a living with than others. For most of us, getting that college degree is a much smarter choice than running off to L.A. with our high school bandmates. But that doesn’t mean we should abandon our love of music all together. There are many ways to make a living in the music business.
A woman I met recently told me she had studied finance and worked for several years in the field, but what she really loved was art. She went back to school, got a Masters in Art History, and now runs a business selling art on-line. She is thrilled to finally be doing what she loves.
Zainab Salbi encourages people to “live your truth.” Her father was Saddam Hussein’s personal pilot. Zainab’s difficult childhood shaped her desire to help women who are affected by war. Despite the discouragement of many, she followed her heart and founded Women for Women International, which has raised over $100 million to help women survivors of war rebuild their lives.
Finding a way to do what you love isn’t always easy, but too many of us are discouraged from even trying. It’s not about just blindly following your passion. It’s about finding ways to incorporate what you love into what you do. Be creative. Explore as many options as possible in order to find a way to follow your heart.
Don’t Just Set Goals, Take Action
People talk a lot about the value of setting goals. But just setting them won’t get you very far. If you want to achieve anything, you have to take action. That’s where a lot of us get tripped up.
Do you have days when you just don’t find the time to cross much off of your to-do list? That may be because you aren’t taking the crucial next step of scheduling the most important item from your list on your calendar.
I was not one of the smartest people in my college class, but I made good grades because I was very disciplined about studying. I scheduled time to study each day and I kept to my schedule. I’ve done the same while writing my book. I scheduled writing time on my calendar each day, Monday through Friday. If something came up, like a meeting, I would move my writing to another time, but I rarely took it off my calendar. I remember thinking I had no idea how long it would take me to write my book, but I knew that if I committed to writing every day it would eventually get done.
Taking consistent action is the way to achieve your goals. Some days you may not feel very motivated, but having the discipline to do it anyway will pay off. Working on something consistently creates momentum, which makes it easier to keep going. Making progress is motivating. Even small amounts of progress on a consistent basis will add up to a lot.
Setting a few big goals will inspire you and give you a sense of purpose. Just don’t stop there. You need to break those goals into smaller action steps that will move you in the right direction. But even that isn’t enough. Schedule time on your calendar every day when you will commit to taking action. Be consistent. No excuses! If you can’t find a lot of time, that’s OK. Consistency matters more. Remember: the tortoise does eventually win the race!
Choose Compassion Over Empathy
I attended a dinner last week with Tania Singer, a neuroscientist from the Max Planck Institute in Germany, and Matthieu Ricard, a Buddhist monk, scientist, and meditation expert. They told us about an experiment that Tania did with Matthieu.
Using an fMRI machine, she measured his brain activity while he was directing compassion toward people who are suffering. Matthieu experienced a warm, positive state and the network in his brain associated with love and affiliation was activated. Then Tania asked him to focus on feeling empathy. Matthieu said it was almost intolerable and left him emotionally exhausted. A completely different network in his brain, the one associated with pain and unpleasantness, had been activated.
Empathy is to feel what another person is feeling. The same area of the brain that is activated in a person who is suffering is activated in the person who feels empathy. Empathy can leave you feeling emotionally drained and overwhelmed. Compassion involves concern and love for another person. You are aware of their suffering and want to help them, but you don’t experience the same feelings of suffering.
Empathy can lead to burnout. Having compassion is much more constructive. It lets you connect with another person’s suffering without becoming too distressed yourself. Compassion increases your resilience and ability to serve others.
Loving kindness meditation can help you cultivate compassion. All it involves is extending feelings of warmth and care to yourself and to others as you meditate. Repeat phrases like, “May you be happy”, “May you be healthy”, “May you be safe”, and “May you live with ease”. Start by directing these thoughts to yourself and then to people close to you. Move on to someone you feel neutral about. Now direct the thoughts to someone with whom you have a difficult relationship. End with the wish that everyone around the world be happy.
Did you make any new year’s resolutions? How’s it going? About 50% of us give up on our resolutions by February. Don’t let that be you!
Many of us give up on our goals after we slip up. We eat that piece of cake or we buy another sweater online and those slip-ups cause us to ditch our goals entirely. Don’t use a moment of weakness as an excuse to throw in the towel.
Research shows that people who eat something that’s not on their diet are more likely to continue to overindulge. They tell themselves they have already ruined the day, so to hell with it. In fact, psychologists refer to this as the “what-the-hell” effect.
Your ability to stick to your resolutions depends on how you respond to your lapses. Here are a few suggestions for staying on track:
- Be kind to yourself. Accept the fact that you will screw up. Everybody does yeah that’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up when you do. People who have self-compassion are more likely to bounce back from setbacks and stick to their goals.
- Focus on the progress you are making. Set small enough goals so that frequent accomplishments will keep you motivated. Having realistic mini-goals will keep you from feeling overwhelmed and will give you the opportunity to celebrate small wins. Find ways to reward yourself each time you complete a mini-goal. Remind yourself that meeting your goal just two-thirds of the time is still progress.
- Use your mistakes as an opportunity to learn. Did you eat that handful of M&Ms because you didn’t have a good breakfast, which meant you were starving when you walked past the bowl? Did you go to bed too late to get up early enough to make it to the gym before your morning meeting? Think about what you can do differently so that you are less likely to make the same mistake again.
Having self-compassion, focusing on your progress, and learning from your lapses will motivate you to keep moving forward and not give up.
Have You Thanked Your Role Models?
Today is the 5-year anniversary of my blog. I’m surprised I have kept it up for this long. But it is more surprising that I even started. I had been following research in the new field of positive psychology and became convinced that creating more positive organizations would boost employee success and well-being. I thought blogging would be a great way to share my ideas. But I was nervous. Would anyone read what I wrote? Would they be interested in what I had to say? I was especially worried about adding more work to my already packed schedule. Could I do it?
Around that time I had lunch with Michele Miller. Our mutual friend Molly connected us because she thought we had common interests. Over lunch Michele, a marketing expert, told me about her experience blogging at wonderbranding.com. It was her enthusiasm that finally persuaded me to start blogging. I haven’t seen Michele since, but I am grateful to her for being a role model. I realized that if she could do it, I could too. Michele has no idea about the impact she has had in my career, so I am thanking her today.
While I’m at it, I’d also like to express my gratitude to other role models who have inspired and encouraged me throughout my career. Isabel Gutiérrez hired me for my first job as a professor in Madrid. I watched her as she managed to combine her demanding professional roles with motherhood and it gave me hope that I could do the same. Leanne Atwater later hired me at Arizona State. As a professor, dean, journal editor, and mother, she also served as a wonderful example of a successful female academic. Then Nance Lucas invited me to join Mason’s Center for the Advancement of Well-Being as a Senior Scholar. Her positivity, vision, and ability to bring diverse people together to make a difference inspire everyone around her.
There are many others who have also positively influenced my career. I am grateful to you all! What about you? I encourage you to think back on your path and to note those who have served as role models along the way. I’m sure you, too, will find many to whom you are thankful. Why not let them know?
