I’m attending the International Academy of Management and Business Conference in San Francisco next week. There I will present the results of a study I did about ways to reduce work-life conflict. Unfortunately, this is a topic that affects too many of us and it has negative consequences both personally and professionally.
I became interested in studying work-life conflict when I was doing research on women’s careers and realized what a huge impact it has on women’s decisions to walk away from their careers. Companies are losing valuable talent because they aren’t helping employees in their struggle to fulfill both work and life demands. And for many the challenge of making work work is escalating as companies reduce their workforce in order to survive lean economic times, which often increases the job demands placed upon employees.
For my study I surveyed 662 women who were members of an internet staffing service for women interested in flexible job opportunities. As expected, the findings showed that higher job demands lead to higher work-life conflict and that work-life conflict reduces job satisfaction, organizational commitment, and intentions to stay with one’s company.
But the good news is there are ways to reduce work-life conflict even if job demands can’t be reduced. My study showed that job control and supervisor support directly reduce work-life conflict. The most stressful situation employees face is when they have high job demands and little or no control over their work. Employees experience less conflict, despite high job demands, if they are able to choose how, when, and where to work. Also, meeting job demands is less stressful when employees have supportive supervisors who understand the difficulties of managing conflicting demands and are willing to help employees find solutions.
By focusing on positive interventions, like offering more job control and support, companies can help their employees create work-life fit.
Love Thyself
The Bible teaches us to “love thy neighbor as thyself”. It’s a great idea except for one thing: most of us aren’t very good at loving ourselves.
Our competitive society pushes us to constantly try to do more, to achieve more, to be the best. We want to be smarter, more attractive, and more successful. If we don’t live up to our expectations we beat ourselves up with self-criticism, telling ourselves we are fat, lazy, or stupid.
Most of us treat others a whole lot better than we treat ourselves. Think of things you tell yourself when you mess up or fail to achieve a goal. I bet you would never say some of those things to a friend or even a stranger.
We think that being hard on ourselves is important for self-discipline. But self-criticism erodes our confidence, making us feel insecure and inadequate, which reduces our motivation. Because self-compassion is caring about ourselves, it makes us want to grow and reach our full potential.
In her new book, Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff explains that we should seek self-compassion rather than self-esteem. Feelings of self-esteem come from being special or above average. This requires that we compare ourselves with others. When we don’t measure up, our self-esteem takes a direct hit. People with self-compassion are more secure, which makes them more resilient in the face of difficulties.
Dr. Neff explains that having self-compassion is similar to feeling compassion for others. The first step is to notice suffering. When you make a mistake recognize that you feel badly about it, that you are disappointed or upset. The second step is to respond by being kind, caring, and supportive toward yourself. The third step is to recognize that imperfection is part of the human experience. Remind yourself that nobody is perfect, not even you!
People who have self-compassion are happier, more optimistic, and less likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. So be kind to yourself. Accept the imperfect nature of humanity and love yourself despite that fact that you aren’t perfect.
How to Maintain High Energy
Many people today are facing an energy crisis. We don’t get enough sleep and we spend our days fighting traffic, rushing to meetings, and stressing about deadlines.
So what can we do to maintain a high energy level throughout the day? Many of us turn to caffeinated beverages to boost our energy. I must admit I’m sipping my second cup of coffee as I write this blog. But I am going to start doing things differently after reading about a fascinating new study looking at strategies that workers use to manage vitality and fatigue.
According to the study by Charlotte Fritz, Chak Fu Lam, and Gretchen Spreitzer, many of the strategies that we typically use to increase our energy level actually do the opposite! Have you ever tried any of these?
- Drink a caffeinated beverage
- Talk to someone about common interests like sports or hobbies
- Listen to music
- Surf the web
- Check and send personal e-mails or text messages
- Make plans for the evening or weekend
- Daydream
- Shop
Results of the study showed that all of these strategies reduce feelings of vitality and increase fatigue. Really? So then what can we do to boost our energy level?
People in the study who experienced high levels of energy pursued strategies related to learning something new, building relationships, or finding meaning in their work. Hey, these are positivity strategies! Learning builds psychological resources through growth and development, high-quality relationships sustain us, and we are more creative and engaged when we feel that the work we do matters.
So the next time you need a pick-me up don’t reach for the Red Bull. Try one of these strategies instead:
- Learn something new
- Focus on what gives you joy in your work
- Set a new goal
- Do something that will make a colleague happy
- Make time to show gratitude to someone you work with
- Seek feedback
- Reflect on how you make a difference at work
- Reflect on the meaning of your work
- Take a meditation micro-break
These strategies were found to increase vitality. I hope they work for you!
Boost Your Positivity with a Mentor
I’m very pleased to have my first guest blogger, Rene Petrin, share his thoughts about the positive benefits of mentoring.
You’ve had a challenging day at the office with so many fires to put out and some issues that have sapped your energy and self-confidence. You remember that you have a scheduled session with your mentor, Jane, in a few hours and feel a sense of relief. The day may have started on a negative note, but it sure will end on a positive one.
This is what it’s like to have a mentor. All the literature and anecdotal information speaks to the value and power of having someone involved in your professional life who is looking out for you and who is there to listen during times of difficulty and to reassure you of your abilities and gifts. This relationship, if engaged in properly, can lead you to new areas of growth you might not have thought possible, because a mentor’s role is to help you see your abilities and to support you in achieving your professional and personal goals. It is the most important strategic career move you can make.
How do I find a mentor? With social networking sites like LinkedIn and Facebook, it is so much easier than it used to be. First, locate people who have expertise or knowledge in the areas you wish to develop. Ask them questions about their experience or ask for advice on how to develop the same skills. Engaging in this way allows you to build somewhat of a relationship. As you engage more and more over time, there will be a moment when asking that person to be your mentor will feel natural and easy. Even so, that person may not be able to fulfill the mentoring role due to his or her specific circumstances, but don’t give up. Go onto the next person, and, in short order, you’ll find the person who can best be of help.
What do I look for in a mentor? Look for someone who is a good listener, who is willing to let you be who you are (and not try to mold you into a thinly veiled version of the mentor), and who can commit to meeting regularly (in person or virtually through something like Skype).
If you’ve been looking for a positive influence in your career, start your search now and find a mentor who will make a positive difference in your life.
BIO: Rene Petrin is the founder and president of Management Mentors, a company that has been designing and implementing world-class mentoring programs since 1989. You can connect with him on LinkedIn and Facebook.
Terrific September Tweets
Here are my favorite tweets from September:
1. Loveliest thing I’ve seen in ages — 7 rare Dr. Seuss stories brought to light via eBay scavenger hunt http://j.mp/pogLpg via @brainpicker. I loved seeing that long lost Dr. Seuss stories, discovered in magazines from the 40s and 50s, have now been published.
2. A true love fest – Desmond Tutu to Aung San Suu Kyi: I love you! http://goo.gl/d48yW via @CabreraAngel. The Clinton Global Initiative arranged a video conference between Desmond Tutu and Aung San Suu Kyi, a Noble Peace Prize winner who has been under house arrest in Myanmar for years. It is a conversation worth watching!
3. Does fear of vulnerability explain our culture of cruelty? http://wp.me/poKbk-2qH via @boxofcrayons. This is a very interesting explanation of how cruelty may be the result of people’s fears.
4. 12 Most Important Things We All Can Control twrt.me/opmngc via @iannarino. We can stay more positive by focusing on the things we can control.
5. The Power Of Language: 5 Wicked Words Sabotaging Your Success, Turn passive words into powerful actions http://ow.ly/6xVKp via @LeaderChat. The words we use shape our experiences. Here are some good ideas for using more powerful, action-oriented language.
6. 3 Reasons to Kiss Being Perfect Goodbye! http://bit.ly/n7tgj3 via @ErinSchreyer. The pursuit of perfection prevents us from being happy. We should aim for excellence instead.
7. Why Success Always Starts With Failure http://trik.ro/orqOk2 via @BobCorlett. Success comes through trial-and-error. The key is not to be afraid to try, to recognize mistakes when we make them, and then rapidly adapt.
8. Want productive employees? Try loosening the reins for a day http://bit.ly/r6WVX8 via @Manage_Better. I love the idea of giving employees free time to work on whatever they want. This has led to some of the greatest innovations.
9. What If You Don’t Love Your Work? disq.us/3gclry via @shawmu. Focus on the positive! Good advice for intentionally looking for what you do love about your work.
10. To Do Our Best Work, We Need Time to Play http://owl.li/6vk84 via @AMAnet. Taking time off from working on a problem triggers creative thinking. Vacations and breaks are necessary for people to do their best work.
Create Positive Routines
Increasing positivity in our lives requires intentional effort. There are many things that we can do in order to experience more positive emotions, but sometimes it is hard to remember to do them with all that we have going on in our crazy lives. That’s why we need to establish positive routines.
It isn’t enough just to tell ourselves that we need to do something. Research shows that willpower is like a muscle that gets fatigued with use. In one study people who had not eaten for 3 hours were asked to resist eating cookies on a plate in front of them. Then they were given puzzles to solve. Compared to the control group, their performance solving puzzles was much worse because their willpower to focus on the task had been weakened by having to resist the temptation to eat the cookies.
Making decisions can be exhausting. This might explain why many of us spend our weekends sitting in front of the TV. After making decisions all week long at work we don’t have the energy left to decide what activities we’d like to do when we finally have time off.
Creating rituals is a great way to limit the amount of decisions we have to make and ensure that we do what we know we should be doing. Routines prevent us from having to constantly make choices, which exhausts our willpower.
I have built a number of routines into my day to help me stay positive. One of the first things I do every morning is put on my gym clothes. My routine is to hit the gym before I start the rest of my day. Another ritual is to think about what I am grateful for on my way to the gym. I try to meditate at the same time everyday so I don’t arrive at the end of the day not having found the time to work it into my schedule. Finally, I go to bed at about the same time every night.
Routines make things easier, which makes it more likely that things get done. My routines keep me exercising, feeling grateful, calming my mind, and getting enough sleep. What routines help you stay positive?
If you’d like even more help staying happy check out the Live Happy app that prompts you to engage in happiness boosting activities throughout the day.
You Get What You Expect
Pygmalion was a sculptor in Greek mythology who fell madly in love with a beautiful female statue he had carved. He named her Galatea and he treated her as if she were real. He dressed her and gave her gifts of pearls and flowers. One day as he kissed her Galatea became a real woman. His expectations influenced reality.
The “Pygmalion effect” or “self-fulfilling prophecy” doesn’t just exist in mythology. People’s behavior is influenced by the expectations of others. In one study of elementary school children teachers were told at the beginning of the school year that a handful of their students had especially high IQs. In reality the students were average. At the end of the school year the “smart” students had improved their IQ by an average of 22 points, far more than the other students. The teachers’ expectations about the students’ abilities affected the way they treated the students. As a result, the students’ performance rose to meet their teachers’ expectations.
Research with new hires in the workplace found that those who were immediately given challenging tasks were more likely to show higher job performance later in their careers. When managers have high expectations for their employees, they treat them in ways that increase the likelihood that the employees achieve success.
In positive workplaces managers expect their employees to succeed. They give them challenging assignments and constantly communicate that they believe they are capable, competent people.
Your expectations influence the likelihood that someone else, an employee, a child, will succeed. What kind of an influence will you be? If you want to bring out the best in others let them know that you believe they are the best!
It’s OK to Ask
I was raised in the South where we were taught that it’s not nice to ask for things. If I got thirsty while playing with my friends in the neighborhood I was supposed to go home to get a glass of water. Goodness knows the neighbors didn’t need extra kids trampling through their houses and dirtying up their glasses.
It seems like a bit of a contradiction, since Southerners are famous for their hospitality. I’m sure the neighbors wouldn’t have minded a bit, but Southerners are also very concerned about not “putting someone out” by causing them extra effort, just as we know how important it is not to “outstay our welcome”.
I do think it’s important to know when to go home, but I have changed my opinion about asking. I think it’s OK to ask.
Asking gives people the opportunity to experience the joy of giving. Helping others is one of the best ways to increase our happiness. For those of us who feel guilty asking for help, maybe we should change the way we think about it. When we ask people for an occasional favor we might actually be boosting their happiness.
In many cases we need to ask in order to get what we need. It is hard to serve others if your own needs aren’t satisfied. You know the “put your oxygen mask on first” idea. I know that I am a better mother and a better wife when I get the help I need. But often we make the mistake of assuming that people know what we need. In most cases they don’t. We have to ask!
Asking is even more important if you are a woman. Studies show that one of the reasons women earn less than men is that they don’t ask for higher salaries like men do. Women are less likely to ask for plum assignments, for promotions, even for help at home. We have been socialized to think that nice girls don’t ask. That makes it a double whammy for Southern girls!
So go ahead and ask. You aren’t putting someone out, you are simply letting them know what you need and you are giving them the opportunity to help. Just don’t forget to say “please”!
Terrific August Tweets
I learn so much from the people I follow on twitter. A recent tweet led me to a blog post by @lauraleewalker where she listed some of her favorite tweets. I thought this was a great idea, so I’ve decided to give it a try.
Here are 10 tweets from August that I found especially interesting:
- Mark Twain’s Top 9 Tips for Living a Kick-Ass Life http://bit.ly/cJta2B via @coachginny. Mark Twain definitely understood the power of positivity!
- 5 essential books and talks on the psychology of choice http://j.mp/dLxcWB via @brainpicker. This is an awesome summary of books on how we make decisions that also includes videos of each of the authors.
- In defense of boredom: Scott Adams argues that constant stimulation is hurting our creativity http://on.wsj.com/pWWuTg via @WSJ. The creator of “Dilbert” talks about the benefits of boredom and gives us a scary look at the effect of our over stimulated world on creativity.
- Disrupt Yourself http://goo.gl/wFb5U via @HarvardBiz. In an interesting twist Whitney Johnson applies the concept of “disruptive innovation” to our careers.
- Are Your Co-Workers Killing You? A fascinating update on workplace stress http://bit.ly/pL1SHt via @jonahlehrer. A recent study found that risk of death was correlated with the perceived niceness of co-workers. People in the study who worked with unfriendly coworkers were 2.4 times more likely to die!
- A utopian look at the #workplace? http://ow.ly/5VChI via @shawmu. I love this somewhat unusual list (e.g. camaraderie, dogs, manners) of 12 characteristics of a dreamy workplace community.
- Work Life Balance for entrepreneurs: 6 tips to incorporate into your daily routine http://ow.ly/627qz via @LeaderChat. I think this is a good list to help everyone, not just entrepreneurs, “stay sane while they prosper at work and at home”.
- Nine Do’s and Don’ts for Dealing with the Disgruntled http://bit.ly/qq04ws via @RosabethKanter. Maintaining a positive workplace at times requires diffusing negativity. Rosabeth gives some good advice for dealing with negative employees.
- What’s The Connection? – The Dalai Lama Speaks On Inner Peace, Happiness And Money bit.ly/qgWuKa via @FinerMinds. This is a 2-minute video of the Dalai Lama. He always brings a smile to my face.
- Gen Y’s Lowered Expectations: Wise or Misery Inducing? — Happiness more likely by setting higher goals http://ow.ly/6dNEX via @LeaderChat. Another potentially negative impact of the recession on young Americans.
Who do you suggest we follow on twitter for more great tweets?
