“Your joy is divine and so is your suffering. There’s so much to be learned from both.” ~ Wayne Dyer
Spending a week at the beach inspired me to re-read Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s amazing book, Gift from the Sea. It is full of so many pearls of wisdom! This time I was especially struck by her thoughts on the ebb and flow of life and of relationships. She says, “when you love someone you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment.” But most of us want everything to always be perfect. We “leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb.”
Unfortunately, things aren’t always going to go the way we’d like them to go. Happiness comes from accepting this and letting go of resistance. From staying fully present in each moment, appreciating what we can about it and accepting it as it is. We can dramatically enhance our well-being by learning to want what we have in our lives. Like when Sheryl Crow sings, “it’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”
When something bad happens we should accept what it is and try to make the best out of it. It helps to look for a silver lining, figure out what we can learn from it, how we might change or grow because of it. And we must always remember that the tide will turn.
Anne thinks learning to live through the ebbs-tides of life is easier at the beach where such beauty is revealed both at the hour of the sea’s withdrawal, shells, sand dollars, ripples in the mud, glistening foam, and at “the sea’s return when the encroaching waves pound upon the beach”.
It is important to remember that “each cycle of the tide is valid; each cycle of the wave is valid; each cycle of a relationship is valid.” Try to accept, maybe even appreciate, it all!
Saying Goodbye with Gratitude
The movers are coming tomorrow. I think I’m ready. But it is so hard to say goodbye!
I could easily have spent the last three months wallowing in the very real sadness I feel at leaving our beautiful home and our wonderful friends. But I chose not to. I chose instead to think about the great fortune our family has had to live in such an amazing place and to share our lives with so many special people for the last eight years.
I mentioned my favorite Dr. Seuss quote, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened”, in a past blog about summer vacation coming to an end. It certainly takes on much greater significance as our family ends this chapter of our lives.
This move has been a great lesson to me on the importance of perspective. There are always different ways to view the same situation. The choice is ours. And our happiness depends on it! Andy Rooney got it right when he said, “Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.”
At times it has been hard to stay positive, but for the most part I have been able to approach our move with enormous feelings of gratitude. I can’t think of a better place to have raised our children. Each of us has made friendships here that will last a lifetime. We have so many unforgettable memories that will be forever woven into the tapestry of our lives. It makes me so sad to have to say goodbye, but I just keep reminding myself of how very blessed we are for having had the chance to experience all that we did while we were here.
As I drive away from our home for the last time I know I will be smiling, as I wipe away tears, because I am so grateful that it happened.
Shake Things Up
We need routines in our lives. They help us feel comfortable and safe and turn positive behaviors into habit. Routines promote automated thinking, giving our brains a break by reducing the amount of information we have to actively process.
But too many routines can be bad for our creativity and keep us stuck in a rut. They also prevent us from being present in the moment. Most of us drive to work without even noticing what we pass along the way. We get lost in thought because our brain knows the way.
I have a very orderly personality (anyone in my family would tell you that’s an understatement!), so I’m especially fond of my routines. But I have been trying to shake things up a bit. Moving across the country will definitely shake up of all of my routines, but small things can also do the trick. Something like brushing your teeth with the other hand or taking a different route to work can help wake you up. Or try moving some of the objects in your house to a new location, shopping at a different grocery store, listening to a type of music you don’t usually listen to, using a different machine at the gym, or choosing a new item on the menu at your favorite restaurant.
Breaking out of routines can help you see things you’ve never seen before by opening you up to new experiences. Doing things differently stimulates the growth of brain cells and increases your present moment awareness because your mind can’t zone out like it does when you are performing an automated behavior.
What will you do this week to shake things up in your life? Find small ways to get out of your routine and see how it can give you a fresh perspective and help you to be more fully present.
Keep Things in Perspective
I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty good at making mountains out of molehills. I can spend way more time worrying about making a decision than I should. I know this increases my stress unnecessarily. I have to remind myself not to sweat the small stuff. And that most everything is small stuff.
In her book 10-10-10, Suzy Welch describes a method for making decisions. The process starts by framing the dilemma you are facing as a question. Should I stay late for a last-minute meeting instead of going to my son’s tennis match? Should I tell someone something they don’t want to hear? Should I spend this much money on a piece of furniture? Once you have identified the issue you need to resolve, ask yourself what the consequences of your options would be in ten minutes? In ten months? In ten years? Welch refers to this strategy as a “life management tool”. The process makes it easier to make decisions by helping us clarify the short- and long-term implications of our choices.
I think 10-10-10 is a great way to help us keep things in perspective. Remembering to look at the big picture is an important strategy for increasing positivity. When I’m stressing about making a decision it can be very helpful to remind myself that I most likely won’t even remember my current dilemma a few months from now. As a parent of teens it also helps to remind myself that it won’t be long before they forget how mad they are at me for not letting them do what they are asking to do.
So the next time you are stressing over something, take a minute to ask yourself: Will this matter in a year? Hopefully this will help you realize that something that seems extremely momentous right now will probably be pretty insignificant in the not so far off future. So take a deep breath and stop sweating the small stuff!
Exercise your Willpower
Willpower increases the likelihood that we achieve our goals. It takes willpower to go to the gym. It takes self-control not to eat the donut in the conference room. Willpower keeps us focused on studying for the test instead of surfing the internet. We need it to make difficult choices at work.
In their book on willpower, Baumeister and Tierney explain that willpower is like a muscle. It can be weakened from use, but it can also be strengthened by regularly exercising it.
Depleted willpower
In one study hungry students who were asked to resist eating chocolate chip cookies later performed worse on a test than students who had not had to resist the temptation to eat the cookies. Having to exercise self-control depleted their willpower to focus. You might notice sometimes at the end of a long day you have a shorter temper or small things bother you more. That’s because your impulse control has become weakened with use. This is why it’s better to make important decisions early in the day. It is also why I go to the gym first thing in the morning. I have learned that if I wait until later in the day I always find some excuse not to go because my self-control isn’t as strong.
Strengthening willpower
In another study students were asked to pay attention to their posture, making sure they weren’t slouching, for a week. At the end of the week they performed better on a self-control task than students who hadn’t been trying to control their posture all week. By exercising their willpower muscle it had become stronger. You can exercise your self-control by doing something you really don’t want to do. Give up eating sweets, do 50 sit-ups every morning, only check your email a few times a day, stop going to Starbucks, or turn off the TV and go to bed early. The more you practice resisting temptations the stronger your willpower will become and the more likely you will be to achieve your goals.
Realize your Strengths
According to Alex Linley, “realizing our strengths is the smallest thing we can do to make the biggest difference”. Using our strengths makes us happy and is the surest way to be successful.
While there are a number of inventories that can be used to identify your strengths, I have been using the Realise2 strengths assessment in my coaching. The Realise2 is different from other assessments because it provides you with more information than just listing your strengths. The resulting profile includes your:
Realized strengths – attributes that you perform well, give you energy, and you use frequently.
Unrealized strengths – attributes that you perform well and find energizing, but you do not use frequently.
Learned behaviors – attributes or behaviors that you have learned to do well because you do them often, but they don’t energize you.
Weaknesses – attributes that you have difficulty doing well and that drain your energy.
What I like most about the Realise2 is that there are specific suggestions for how to use your results for your own development. Ideally you should do the following:
Marshall realized strengths – be careful not to overuse your strengths. At times you might need to moderate the use of a strength given the situation. Perhaps it isn’t an appropriate moment to use your humor.
Moderate learned behaviors – since these are not strengths you will be better off using them less frequently, ideally only when needed. They do not energize you and are less likely to lead to great success.
Minimize weaknesses – since using your weaknesses will rarely lead to success and will drain your energy, you should use them as little as possible. Some of the most successful people have avoided using weaknesses by finding a partner with complementary strengths.
Maximize unrealized strengths – this is your biggest area of potential growth! Looking for opportunities to use your unrealized strengths more will make you happier and more successful.
Boost Positivity with Spring Cleaning
Our annual church rummage sale was this weekend and I always look forward to it because it motivates me to do spring cleaning. I go through all our closets and try to get rid of anything we don’t need. I’m always amazed at how wonderful I feel after dropping off the last load of stuff.
De-cluttering gives me a great sense of satisfaction. Having less makes it easier to find things. I no longer experience the stress of frantically looking for the bill I need to pay amongst all the paperwork on the desk or that red shirt I know is somewhere in the closet! Too much clutter makes me feel frustrated, overwhelmed and out-of-control. It also affects my ability to focus because I’m distracted when I see things I know I should organize or put away.
It appears that I’m not the only one who gets a happiness boost from clearing clutter. When I googled “clutter” together with “happiness” over 3 million articles and videos showed up! And just think about how much money people spend on gadgets to organize their closets or on magazines like Real Simple that are filled with clutter-clearing tips.
I think most of us know that getting rid of unnecessary things will make us happier. The problem is it can be really hard to do! Research by Kahneman and Tversky shows that people have loss aversion. We strongly prefer avoiding losses to acquiring gains. This means that we value things even more after we buy them, which makes it extra hard to give them away. I know I’ve held the same sweater in my hands every spring telling myself I should give it away because I haven’t worn it in a year, OK maybe even 3 years. But how can I give it away when it is in such good shape? Of course, it is like new since I never wear it! It takes a lot of discipline to get rid of our things.
But now that spring is here (wait, did we even have winter?), use it as an opportunity to boost your positivity by getting rid of clutter. It doesn’t have to take up too much of your time. Start small. Try cleaning out just one drawer. I bet when you see how good it makes you feel you’ll be ready to tackle the next one. And if you need any clutter-clearing tips you can find plenty on the internet.
Emotional intelligence has a strong positive impact on job performance. In fact, it is estimated to be twice as important for performance as IQ.
So what exactly is emotional Intelligence? It is the ability to identify and manage emotions, which requires:
1) Self-awareness – the ability to recognize your own emotions.
2) Self-management – the ability to control your own emotions.
3) Social awareness – the ability to diagnose the emotions displayed by others.
4) Relationship management – the ability to respond appropriately to the emotional cues of others.
Unlike IQ, emotional intelligence is a skill that can be developed. So one way you can improve your performance is by learning to be more emotionally intelligent.
It turns out that some of the practices that increase positivity also increase emotional intelligence. Here are a couple of examples:
Mindfulness – Being more mindful helps you increase awareness of your own emotions and recognize other people’s emotions as well. You will be more attuned to your own feelings when you are paying attention to what is happening right now. Present moment awareness also makes it more likely that you notice signs that reveal the emotions people around you are experiencing.
Meditation – Meditation is an effective practice for reducing stress and you are much better at controlling your own emotions when you are calm. Lower levels of stress and anxiety also make you less likely to respond inappropriately to other people. Loving-kindness meditation can increase your compassion for others, which increases your concern for how they are feeling.
The next time you practice mindfulness notice not only how you are happier because it puts the breaks on negative emotions, but also that it helps you to be more attuned to what you and those around you are feeling. And if you give meditation a try you will see that you are calmer throughout the day. As a result you will experience more positive emotions and you will be less likely to overreact to situations or people that cause you frustration.
Both happiness and emotional intelligence lead to success, so what are you waiting for? Why not give mindfulness or meditation a try?
Just Keep Swimming
In my last blog I suggested the idea of taking up a positive habit during Lent. I decided that mine would be to meditate every day. Meditation is something that I know is so good for me, but I never seem to find time for it. Taking up meditation for Lent seemed like a great way to start making a habit of it. I joined the Chopra Center 21-Day Challenge so I get a daily meditation sent to my email and I’ve been doing great so far.
The problem is that our family is going out-of-town for Spring Break this week and I know it will be impossible for me to meditate every day while we are traveling. So do I just give up? No! I have decided to give myself permission to be flexible with my goal. I will try to find a few minutes every day to close my eyes and calm my mind, but I won’t beat myself up if I go several days without meditating. I will just come back to it when our trip is over. This is exactly what we are taught to do when meditating. If your mind wanders all you have to do is gently bring it back to your breathing. It doesn’t matter how many times your thoughts interrupt you. You just keep coming back.
We can be so hard on ourselves when we fail to stick with something. We set goals, but life gets in the way and we don’t do what we said we were going to do. This happens to us all and it’s OK! Instead of beating ourselves up and giving up, we need to forgive ourselves and stop being so self-critical. All that matters is to start moving toward our goal again. It reminds me of Dory in “Finding Nemo”. As they were searching for Nemo she stayed positive (probably because her lack of memory kept her from dwelling on past problems, but that’s another blog) and kept repeating “just keep swimming”. So if you fall off course, don’t use that as an excuse to give up. Just keep swimming!
