To Be Resilient Take Control
Resilient individuals use active coping skills to get through difficult times. They identify what they have control over and focus on what they can do about the things within their control.
There are so many things we can’t control these days – the virus, the need for social distancing, our work situation, our children’s school situation. But there are many things we can control, like how we respond and how we spend our time. We can choose to focus on the positive, to be grateful for all that is good. We can choose to focus on the present rather than worry about an uncertain future.
We can also control our daily actions. Here are three things you can do to boost your well-being during these challenging times:
- Safety and health – Taking steps to protect yourself and your family is more important than ever. Hand washing, disinfecting, social distancing, and wearing masks can all make a difference. There are also many things you can do to boost your immune system. Getting enough sleep and exercising are important. Healthy eating matters, too. Fiber is especially critical, so eat lots of veggies. A recent study found a link between Vitamin D deficiency and COVID-19 deaths, so spend time outside!
- Growth – The sense that you are continuing to develop over time is linked to greater well-being. If you are busier than ever trying to figure out how to work from home or home school your children then you are learning new things. But you may have been furloughed or have more free time due to canceled travel and events. In that case, finding ways to grow can give you a sense of accomplishment. There are many things you can do for professional development like taking an online class, reading, seeking advice from a mentor, or building your network. As far as personal growth, the options are endless! It’s been fun to see what people have been doing, including gardening, baking sourdough bread, DIY home projects, meditating, and learning to embroider.
- Connection and contribution – Social support is one of the most important factors for resilience. Social distancing does not mean social isolation. Connecting with others at this time is paramount. Many of us are talking to friends and family more than ever. It’s also a good time to reconnect with people you may not have spoken to in a while. Finding ways to help others can have one of the strongest impacts on your well-being. Helping others makes you feel good and distracts you from your own problems. Any small act of kindness will do. You could help your parents figure out how to use Zoom, or comfort someone who is struggling, or share a funny video. Look for ways you can contribute to making someone else’s day a little better.
In anticipation of Earth Day, I’d like to share my thoughts on the benefits of eating less meat. I am convinced it is one of the most impactful things we can do to improve our health and the health of our planet. I stopped eating meat in January after reading Suzy Cameron’s book, The OMD Plan. She believes if everyone ate one plant-based meal a day, it would have a tremendously positive impact on the environment. It’s also great for your health!
Eating less meat helps the planet in multiple ways. Some of the positive benefits of reducing animal agriculture include:
- Slow climate change by reducing green-house gas emissions
- Reduce global deforestation
- Protect biodiversity, which is lost through deforestation
- Protect oceans, which are harmed by fertilizer runoff
- Conserve fresh water (almost 1/3 of freshwater used in agriculture goes toward raising animals)
And what are the benefits for you? According to Suzy, “For every extra 3% of plant protein we eat, we cut our risk of death by 10%.” Here is what eating less meat can do for your health:
- Reduce cholesterol and inflammation
- Reverse heart disease
- Prevent (and reverse) diabetes
- Reduce the risk of cancer
- Contribute to weight loss
If you’d like to learn more about the link between chronic disease and animal protein you can watch the documentary Forks Over Knives on Netflix.
I’m not ready to give up fish, eggs, or cheese, but I have found it surprisingly easy not to eat beef, pork, and chicken. And these are at the top of the list for negatively impacting our planet and our heath. Since we’ve spent the last month at home, my husband and daughter haven’t eaten meat either. Not only have they not complained once, they’ve both lost weight and feel great!
Eating less meat really isn’t that hard. You don’t have to become a vegetarian. All you need to do is start replacing some of your meals with plant-based options. This is actually a good time to try, because you don’t have the temptations of restaurant offerings nor do you have to eat what is served at meetings or events. And you may have more time to cook!
It does take some effort to find new recipes, but that can be fun! You can check out my Pinterest page for some ideas. Or visit some of these plant-based food blogs. Let me know how it goes!
Look for the Helpers, Be a Helper
Two ways to boost your mood during these difficult weeks are to notice all of the wonderful things people are doing to help others and to find ways that you, too, can help.
It’s inspiring to see how hard times can bring out the best in people. Acts of kindness are everywhere! NBA players, including Kevin Love and Zion Williams, are paying arena workers while games are cancelled and Steph Curry and his wife are providing 1 million meals to Oakland students who can’t attend school. Singers like Chris Martin, John Legend, and others, are using social media to play music for us from their homes.
Companies are also doing good. Some are shifting production to make needed medical supplies. TV shows like Grey’s Anatomy are donating supplies. Other companies are offering services for free, like operas from the Met or homeschooling assistance from Khan Academy. Stores are designating certain hours for at-risk shoppers. Lyft is donating thousands of rides for low-income individuals needing medical transportation and to deliver meals to kids receiving free lunches and home-bound seniors.
Noticing and feeling gratitude for these kind acts, like the people in Madrid who applauded healthcare workers from their balconies, makes us feel good. The last time I went to the grocery store there were more people stocking the shelves than shopping. I did go very early in the morning! And I felt immensely grateful that they were putting themselves at risk so that I could get the food I needed.
Finding ways that we can do good makes us feel even better. First, know that you are already doing good by staying home. Social distancing is the most important thing any of us can do to minimize the spread of the virus and save lives. Now consider what else you could do. Loneliness is one of the biggest problems we will all face while staying home. Contacting friends and family members as often as possible is another way to do good. If you live near elderly family members, stop by to wave through the window like Max did for his father Mel Brooks.
Some people are picking up medication for at-risk individuals, others are offering to foster animals, and these siblings played the cello for an elderly neighbor. You could share one of your favorite recipes on social media or leave the magazines you have finished reading at a neighbor’s door.
Consider how you could help the small businesses that are being so hard hit. The company I use to compost has lost much of its business due to restaurant and school closings. I am going to pay them for the next 12 months instead of month to month. I’m also buying gift certificates from our favorite restaurants.
Let’s all try to come up with creative ways that we can do good from home. Please share your ideas!
Welcoming a Slow Down
Anyone who knows me at all knows I’m a big planner. I make plans for everything as far out as possible and changes of plans can make me uncomfortable. So, as you might imagine, the mass cancelations in response to the coronavirus outbreak are definitely throwing me for a loop!
In an effort to stay positive, I’m welcoming the opportunity to practice adaptability and acceptance. And to slow down! Getting better at these things would certainly improve my well-being. People who more readily adjust to change are happier and more resilient. The same holds true for those who accept that there are things they can’t control and focus instead on what they can do.
I can’t control the fact that we should all practice social distancing in order to stay safe and keep others safe. This means canceling plans, which gives us all an opportunity to do less. How often does that happen? How could you use this gift of time in ways that will boost your well-being?
Yesterday our daughter texted us to say Harvard was taking classes online and everyone had to move out within 5 days. That’s a bit stressful! But I’m grateful for the unexpected time together with her. This will give us all a chance to spend more time with our families. Another way to boost well-being is to spend more time outdoors. I plan to take much longer walks and appreciate all of the signs of spring. I’ve been making a list of the flowers I’m going to plant in our yard. Emily and I are committing to a daily at-home yoga practice. Have you discovered “Yoga with Adriene”? Eating more meals at home will give me the chance to try out new recipes. I’ve recently stopped eating meat, so I’m going to learn how to prepare more plant-based meals. Getting rid of clutter always makes me happy. I still have boxes from the move in our garage, so it will be great to finally have time to finish unpacking.
I can’t tell you how much better I feel just thinking of all the things I’m going to have time to do! I will admit that I am very anxious about the spread of coronavirus and am disappointed that so many things are being canceled. But there is always something good! I am truly grateful for the opportunity to slow down and focus on my well-being.
Creating Habits for Positive Change
The hardest part of change isn’t knowing what you should do, it’s doing it. The two things that have helped me include more well-being practices in my life are: 1) make the behavior easy and 2) find a cue to remind me to do the behavior.
In his book, Tiny Habits, BJ Fogg explains that behaviors happen when there is motivation, ability, and a prompt. While most of us try to rely on motivation to start a new habit, motivation is fickle. We just can’t count on it for behavior change. As far as ability goes, the easier something is to do, the easier it is to turn that behavior into a habit. Finally, no behavior occurs without a prompt. There must be something that nudges you to act.
This means that in order to start a new habit, you need a cue and the behavior needs to be easy. The best prompts are other behaviors you already do. And the way to make something easy is to break it down into the smallest behavior possible. By starting small, you are more likely to be successful, which will inspire you to continue and to grow the behavior. Small behaviors will also let you keep going on bad days, so the habit sticks.
Here are some of the ways I have used prompts and small behaviors to adopt positive habits:
- Planks twice a day – After I brush my teeth in the morning and at night (cue), I do planks. I started doing a plank for just one count (easy), but I’ve worked my way up to two 30-count planks with some stretching in between. If I’m tired at night or rushed in the morning, I do one short plank to keep the habit alive.
- Meditate after lunch – After I eat lunch at home (cue), I meditate. I started sitting in a chair and taking a long, deep breath (easy). I slowly added more breaths and now meditate for 20 to 30 minutes. On days that I don’t have time, I sit in the chair for one deep breath.
- Drink lemon water in the morning – After starting the coffee pot (cue), I squeeze a lemon into water and drink it (easy). If I don’t have any fresh lemons, I still drink water while waiting for the coffee to brew.
- Mindful pause while waiting in line – After getting into a line (cue), instead of scrolling through my phone, I started taking a long, deep breath and noticing something around me (easy). Now I take two long breaths, notice five things I see and three things I hear, followed by two more deep breaths. If my turn comes before I’m done, I stop and smile.
It can be fun to identify cues and easy behaviors that will help you create habits for positive change. Let me know what you come up with!
A New Decade, A New Approach
This is the first decade of my adult life that I have begun without having major life goals. I graduated from college in 1990 and dedicated the next 10 years to getting my PhD and starting my family. The following two decades I was hyper focused on my children and my career. In the 2000s I published articles, earned tenure, and edited a journal to advance my academic career. In the 2010s I shifted to teaching leaders and individuals how to build well-being to thrive. My goal was to share the power of positivity and purpose by starting a blog, writing a book, teaching leadership seminars, and giving speeches to diverse groups.
As I start this new decade, my children are now in college and graduate school and I have achieved my biggest career goals. So what now? Instead of focusing on want I want to achieve, I will focus on who I want to be. My goal for the next decade is to become a healthier, more generous person.
I sometimes choose a word for the new year and this year my word is “open”. I will be open to opportunities to be of service, to make a difference, to be my best self. Rather than focusing on specific goals, I will be open to what is needed. Instead of having a concrete plan, I will be open to what comes my way.
I know I will continue to write and give talks, because learning and sharing what I learn with others brings such happiness and meaning to my life. I am grateful to be back at my alma mater. The new relationships I’m building and the many opportunities I have to serve the Georgia Tech community are also a source of great joy.
For an obsessive planner who doesn’t like ambiguity, this is new for me. But so far so good! I am experiencing both curiosity and excitement to see what this next decade will bring. I will embrace moments that allow me to be more kind, helpful, and compassionate. I will make choices that help me to be more healthy, mindful, and grateful. What about you? Who do you want to be?
Finding the Good
Last week I had a pretty traumatic accident. I almost cut the tip of my finger off with a hand blender. I know, what??? I’m not exactly sure how it happened. The container I had the blender in started to tip over and my instinct was to try to catch it with my free hand. The rest is a blur. I was rushed in an ambulance to the ER with the blender still stuck in my finger, and the wonderful doctors were eventually able to extract the blade.
Since that awful day I’ve been experiencing an overwhelming amount of gratitude. There are so many things I am thankful for. As I sat waiting for the ambulance I was really worried that I was going to lose part of my finger. And that for the rest of my life I would have to explain that it was because I had stuck my hand in a blender. I cut my left finger and I’m right handed. My husband usually rides his bike to work, but that day he had taken his car, so he made it home in 10 minutes. The doctors are amazed by how minimal the damage has been. It appears that the blade somehow missed my arteries and tendons, and x-rays show almost no damage to the bone. I have experienced very little pain. And one more thing, we recently moved and are waiting for our new furniture and rugs to be delivered. So I bled all over our hardwood floors instead of new rugs!
Positive reframing is the practice of looking for more positive ways of seeing things. Events themselves aren’t inherently good or bad. It’s the way we view them that impacts our happiness. I could be focusing on how unlucky I was to have had such a bad accident. I could be complaining about having to do everything with one hand or the weird tingling feeling they say could get worse or the hospital bills we’ll have to pay. I could be frustrated about the money I lost because I had to cancel my flight and the seminar I was scheduled to teach. But instead, I am incredibly grateful!
My accident has reminded me that there is always good. If you look for it you will find it. When I start having negative thoughts about anything I just look down at my finger and smile.
Reasons for Hope
I started studying women in the workplace fifteen years ago. I’ve written blogs about retaining female talent and gender bias. I also wrote a blog about my frustration with the lack of progress being made towards gender equality. It was in part this frustration that led me to refocus my work on well-being in the workplace. I felt I could help women more by sharing strategies for how to thrive at work despite the challenges they continue to face.
Fortunately, there are many people still working hard to identify ways to close the gender gap. Here are some promising initiatives:
- One of the biggest obstacles women face is not getting promoted to manager. The recently released Women in the Workplace survey by McKinsey & Company and LeanIn.org shows that women are getting stuck in entry level positions. Specific recommendations for fixing this problem include setting goals to hire more women into management positions, requiring a diverse slate for promotion decisions, and providing unconscious bias training.
- Unconscious bias is especially hard to eliminate, but scientists have been studying ways to reduce it. VMware Women’s Leadership Innovation Lab at Stanford has partnered with the diversity consulting firm Paradigm and LeanIn.org to create a card-based activity that highlights 50 specific examples of gender bias in the workplace. The activity encourages group discussion and problem-solving, then offers research-backed recommendations for reducing bias.
- Harvard professor Iris Bohnet and her colleagues discovered that gender bias is reduced when hiring and promotion decisions are made by considering several candidates at the same time, what they call “bundle decisions”.
- One of the biggest rays of hope is that Melinda Gates has just pledged $1billion to promote gender equality. She believes we are at a moment when extraordinary progress is possible. She has identified 3 strategies for expanding women’s power and influence: 1) dismantle barriers to women’s professional advancement, 2) fast-track women in sectors with outsized impact on our society, like technology, media, and public office, and 3) amplify external pressure from shareholders, consumers, and employees on institutions in need of reform.
I agree with Melinda that the “unprecedented energy and attention around gender equality” at this time gives us reason to be optimistic. And I am grateful to everyone who is continuing to fight the good fight!
Prioritizing Connection and Commitment
I read David Brooks’ latest book, The Second Mountain, after hearing him talk in Aspen. In it he argues that our society is suffering from a crisis of connection. I agree! Our current cultural values of individual achievement and self-preoccupation are hurting our well-being.
Brooks describes how our society valued conformity and commitment to others during and after World War II. Times of crisis require everyone to work together and sacrifice their needs for the good of society. It was important for people to defer to authority and do their duty in order to protect our country. But after the war this unquestioning loyalty and group conformity became oppressive, eventually leading to the counterculture movement of the 1960s. People began rejecting authority and fought for more personal freedom and individual expression.
Unfortunately, individualism has been taken to the extreme. Our intense focus on the self has led to a sense of isolation and alienation. Our society is facing a loneliness crisis. We don’t know our neighbors. We don’t trust our institutions. Extreme loneliness increases the chance of premature death by 14%. Feeling isolated from others can disrupt sleep, elevate blood pressure, increase the stress hormone cortisol in our bodies, lower our immune functioning, and increase depression.
A lack of connection also hurts our sense of meaning in life. One of the strongest sources of meaning comes from our relationships and serving others. A culture of hyper-individualism likely explains why the suicide rate has risen by 30% since 1999. One study found that countries where people reported the lowest sense of meaning had the highest suicide rates.
Brooks believes we need to shift our cultural values from first mountain goals of individual success and personal happiness to second mountain goals of relation, community, and commitment. Everyone’s well-being will improve if we move from self-centered to other-centered, from independence to interdependence. A focus on connection and commitment can help us all live more meaningful lives.
